Last Saturday, I was back in Portland and was awakened that morning by a highly unexpected phonecall on my mobile from P, who said he had a sudden urge to call to check if I was okay, because he'd had a funny feeling that something had happened to me. The week before, we hadn't been able to 'catch' each other on internet chat, so P hadn't heard directly from me in a while, and also my mother had spoken to him at some point and had concocted a lie that I had put down the phone on her the week before. Anyway, we chatted very briefly and I assured him that all was well on my side.
Later on Saturday morning, I called P to have a longer chat with him. We had a fluid, honest, open conversation in which neither of us shied away from our vulnerability. We talked about my midwifery workload, about his business, his plans to move out of SA sometime soon, and about the state of his emotions; he said he missed me desperately sometimes but that he trusts that I am doing the best thing for myself and my future by being in the US, by following my dreams, and listening to my heart -- wherever that leads me. It was wonderful to talk to him so openly, and we both felt lighter.
Also, I got to 'vent' out loud to P about my mother, who cannot find it in her heart to be happy for me, and who told me a few weeks ago, in no uncertain terms, that she thought midwifery school was 'beneath' me and that I should've been an obstetrician by now. It was one of the most hurtful things she could ever have said, and yet I didn't end the conversation abruptly -- tempting thought it was. I simply feel sad for both of us -- for her, because she does not know what it truly means to be a mother, and to experience the joy of that bond with her daughter. And for me, because I long for a mother, who loves me and trusts me and shares in my elation, who does not expect to be respected automatically, regardless of the hurt she causes me and the people I love. A mother who comforts me and cries for me when I have fallen down, and who does not compete with me for what she perceives as the title of most-cherished woman in my father's life, but who instead allows me the space to have the wonderful relationship I have with my Papa, and who herself can truly be my ally and confidante and friend. I have struggled for so long to make myself whole in spite of that huge void in my life. I have never been happier in my life than I have since I came to midwifery school, and the fact that my mother would even try to diminish this for me is a tragedy of desperate proportions.
To be continued...
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